sorry for not texting you back
an apology that you wont ever read.
it’s always the same loop of emotions. My phone is silent, everything is still and a notification suddenly flashes on the screen. I am ashamed of the anger and laziness I feel next and the despair that fills my eyelids, they become heavy with the excuse of falling asleep. again. it’s shameful, disgusting I admit, that I just don’t have the effort to text you back. So more texts come flooding in and I shove my phone in my side drawer and switch off the lights.
everyone always talks about soulmates, in the romantic sense, at least. But have you ever longed for a soul-friend? Someone who won’t judge you, someone who will laugh at your awful jokes, and stick up for you when things go hard? You can sit in silence with them for hours on end and it won’t feel awkward? Does that even exist? like, in the movies. it’s pathetic, I know, but sometimes I’ll be watching a kiddish movie and two characters with the perfect friendship will come on screen, and instantly I start crying. It’s like an invisible string is tied to their hands and they’re always in sync, in their own little bubble of inside jokes. It’s cringey, it’s overrated, and I want it so so so much.
Especially since I’m starting college soon ( okay not that soon but I’m still excited ) and I still feel like I’ve not matured. focus on studying, friends come and go a random motivational video on youtube says. But I already have friends. Friends I like to think I’m there for. Except at hangouts. Or texting them back. I recently listened to a motivational lecture that emphasises the importance of building your future ie studying. In conclusion, studying alot = high paying job = lots of good friends.
But I want the sickeningly sweet kind of friendship the serena and blair they do besties better than anyone kind. The penpal kind, like the idea that I can write a letter to someone, and they’ll reply back in my brain is mind boggling. They’ll actually write to me about their life and I’ll write back? What? Do people actually do that? If so, I definitely want to do that. But where does one go to find a penpal?1
I’m spiralling and dumping all my random rants to you when I should be studying right now.
I feel like it’s time for the apology. I’m sorry I can’t text you back on time. My phone is in my hand and I’m wide awake, but I can’t bring myself to text you. Maybe it’s because I can’t bring myself to end a conversation, once its started. Maybe it’s because all my social batterys run out, or maybe its because im lazy and mean. whatever, it is I’m figuring it out. I’ll be better next time.
I promise.
"A day without a friend is like a pot without a single drop of honey left inside." — Winnie the Pooh
u should deffos hit me up if u wanna penpal (i’m being fr )